And now I will answer all your life’s most important and hitherto unanswerable questions:
Q. What is the purpose of life?
A. To spawn more life. That is the very nature of life – it begets more life. Go have some kids. You’ll be glad when you’re old and still relevant to someone.
Q. Is that a debt collector or a possibly important business contact calling me?
A. It’s a debt collector. Answer the phone and tell them you’re not your own self and they have reached the wrong number and would they take it off their calling list.
Q. Why can’t I find the right partner?
A. The right partner is a tolerable one. Anyone you live with will drive you crazy in short order.
Q. Why is it that my hair is dull, dry, unremarkable and I can’t seem to stay thin?
A. Because you’re eating too much sugar.
Q. Why aren’t human babies as cute as animal babies?
A. It’s easy to be objective about animal babies, they obviously aren’t our offspring, so it’s easy to love them for the cute things they are – human babies on the other hand are only really lovable to their own parents and not so much for you as they are competition for your own genetic carriers.
Q. Why are the tastiest foods the worst for me?
A. To maintain the balance of the universe. Only by keeping us from eating non-stop can existence continue with any kind of order.
I hope that was helpful and now your life seems more organized and less arbitrary. Animal babies ARE so much cuter aren’t they? Just looking at my fluffy white standard poodle, Adelle, causes me to hug her and pinch her cheeks and smoosh her foofy head all day long. Really, it’s hard to get work done. I challenge any child I have to be that cute.
So, yesterday I went shopping and bought all the ingredients for the New York Cheesecake that I’m going to make tomorrow – yum, num, num. I researched and found by all accounts the best possible cheesecake recipe in existence. It calls for 5 packages of cream cheese, 1 lemon, some sour cream, lotsa eggs, a titch of salt, and of course sugar, ew, I’m substituting that with stevia. I’ll let you know how that turns out. I’m making a crushed pecan nut crust instead of graham cracker to keep things low carb. I’m hoping it’s not too time consuming so that I can make and eat my cheesecakes regularly.
Tonight I went to my CSS class and we’ve all decided, the prof included, that this textbook is terrible. It’s written in such confusing language that what should be a simple task turns into a headache-inducing day long epic drama. Dude, it’s just CSS. My PHP class is WAY easier thanks to the power of clear intelligible English in the textbook. However, I ‘am’ learning and also, I’m getting straight A’s. Hurray! Guitar is going well too, my teacher says that I play everything perfectly. That is very encouraging. I’m on the right path towards being a legitimate guitar player. During moments of grandeur I even imagine myself being in a band or at least an ensemble.
